Domestic Violence and Corona, Part 3: Judgement
[Read Part 2]
Lately, I’ve been talking a lot about choices. But I want to make it very clear that choice has nothing to do with blame or fault.
I repeat… Any and all abuse is always the fault of the perpetrator.
I repeat… Any and all abuse is always the fault of the perpetrator.
When looking at somebody else’s situation, there are at least 1,001 factors that an outsider can’t possibly understand. Like the fear of being alone. For some people, the fear of being alone is much worse and more crippling than being with somebody who doesn’t treat them respectfully. Nobody has a right to judge anyone other than themselves. This doesn’t mean not holding others accountable for their behavior.
There is a big difference between being able to see inappropriate behavior and understanding from where it comes. There is a big difference between being able to see inappropriate behavior and understanding where it comes from.
There is a big difference between being able to see inappropriate behavior and understanding where it comes from.
So, when it comes to deciding what behaviors of others you are willing to put up with and which you are not, the first step, IMHO, is to acknowledge that you have the right to live a violence-free life. Hold up a mirror and look at yourself in a safe and supportive manner.
Look at yourself in the same way that you would look at someone coming to you for safe and supportive feedback. Remind yourself that you too deserve to live a violence-free life. Everybody does. From what I have seen over the years, at some point in their lives, people in abusive relationships just can’t think about how life could be different. There is just too much risk. Too much to untangle. Too much vulnerability. Not enough support in any fashion.
Are we doing anybody justice by insisting that they “gotta get out of there?” Who’s going to hold their hand once they’re out? Who’s going to provide food? Clothing? Housing?
Are we doing anybody justice by insisting that they “gotta get out of there?” Who’s going to hold their hand once they’re out? Who’s going to provide food? Clothing? Housing?
So instead of judging somebody for how they’re handling a situation, think about what questions you can ask and figure out if there’s any way you can (or should) help. This is about letting them lead the process of choosing what type of help they want or need. Letting them choose is empowering in and of itself.
Right now, it may not be possible to do as much as you’d like to.
But there’s nothing to stop you from asking somebody what they need, and giving them the comfort of letting them know how much you care. Just being there can go a long way.